God, Interrupted's Journal|
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|Wednesday, June 16th, 2004|
And then, God decided to turn Himself into a cat, and was never heard from again.
Love to all.
|Saturday, June 12th, 2004|
|Don't look, Ethel!!
FINALLY, I did something right. That Me-damned Ray Stevens has been a thorn in My side ever since that asinine song "The Streak." You think it's a good thing to encourage the average American to drop trou' and run around the general public? It's disgusting, is what it is. It's bad enough that I have to see them while they shower. And that "Mississippi Squirrel Revival" monstrosity was the final straw. The only things with a hunger for small nuts in a church should be the priests and the choir directors, like it has always been. Ray Stevens, enjoy your time in Hell.
I'm sure you are all as happy as I am about this, so allow Me to say in advance, You're Welcome!!
I (finally) got the right one bayehhbayyyy!!!!
|Friday, June 4th, 2004|
Sometime I'll have to tell you guys about My other male offspring, Thog, Who I sent to earth to save the Neanderthals. The funny thing about the Neaners was their extremely low threshold of amazement. The only miracles that Thog really had to perform were walking near water and raising some old guy from a dead sleep.
I miss those guys. It's a shame how they slowly died out after realizing how completely unattractive they were.
|Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004|
|Thursday, May 27th, 2004|
I've been thinking again. They say that God is love... and that love is a many splintered thing. I therefore think that it's safe to say that I'm a many splintered thing. However, I have no idea what that means.
Using similar logic, I am also like a rock. But I ain't easy.
(And, apparently, I stink.)
|Tuesday, May 18th, 2004|
Psssst... let go. Yes, you. Just let go.
|Saturday, April 3rd, 2004|
Earlier today, Jesus started yelling, "Dad! Dad! Where are You?"
I answered, of course, like I always do, with a hearty "I'm on the throne." (That's actually the longest running joke in all Creation, unless you count Ted Kennedy's gag about being concerned for the common man.)
So He wandered over to Me, and We began to talk.
"What's on Your mind, Kid?"
"Dad, You know how Harry Connick Sr. is always trying to capitalize off the success of Harry Connick Jr.?"
"Yes, of course I do," I answered.
"Well there's another guy doing the exact same thing."
"Someone else is trying to capitalize off the success of Harry Connick Jr.?" I said, teasingly.
"No, no, I mean there's another old man using his son's success for his own profit.'
"George Clooney's dad?"
"No," Jesus answered.
"McCauley Culkin's dad?"
"No," he repeated.
"Milk and cookies?"
"NO! What does that even mean?!? Would you stop it?" Jesus was getting exasperated.
"I was only offering you a snack, Boy."
"Oh, sorry, Dad. No thanks, I'm on Atkins."
"I thought you were doing Pontius Pilates every morning," I cracked.
Jesus, of course, simply glared at me. He hates that joke.
After a long moment, He began again, "Okay. You know how I'm a huge Wallflowers fan?"
I had a really bad feeling about where this conversation was going. A bad feeling. Worse than the one I had while I had tentatively decided to give men a nice full set of breasts too.
"Go on," I managed to croak.
"Well get this. Jakob Dylan's father, who is almost as old as You, has started some sort of cover band and is touring the country."
Jesus, misunderstanding the shocked look on My face, continued, "I know! It's pathetic, isn't it?"
"Cover band?" was all I could manage.
"Yeah, I heard the commercial! Imagine an old homeless man singing Hendrix and Gun's 'n Roses songs, only with a pissed-off cat living in his sinuses or something!"
"Unbelievable," I said to Myself, with a sigh.
"I know, Dad, I know. I'm glad We are in agreement on this. You are the coolest. And Dad? One more thing?"
"What's that, Junior."
"You wouldn't ever try to capitalize on My success, would You?"
All I could do was answer, "No, Son, I would never do that." If I had followed My real inclination, April 3 would henceforth be celebrated as Spankmas, and I honestly don't think the Baptists could handle it.
I've simply got to have a long talk with that Boy someday.
|Thursday, February 26th, 2004|
Yes, Margaret, I'm here. Now quit pestering Me, or I'll unleash a monthly plague of cramps and water retention upon thee, and then I'll strike thee barren sometime between thine 40th and 50th year.
|Tuesday, February 24th, 2004|
Long ago, men would have their naughty bits removed for purity, so they could better serve at My bidding. Later, children would also trade away their family jewels for the promise of lifelong service unto Me with the voice of angels. In turn, I looked after them with special attention.
It occurred to Me today that I'm the original Eunuchs Administrator.
|Saturday, February 21st, 2004|
My Boy came up to Me the other day and asked about the gays. “Is it true what they say about them?” He asked.
“Yes, I'm afraid it's true,” I answered truthfully, natch.
Jesus was obviously very distraught. “But why? Why? They don't deserve that! Nobody deserves that!”
“Son,” I explained, “there's such a thing as freewill, but along with that comes consequences for one's choices and actions. By definition, if that's what they choose, then they deserve what they get.”
Knowing My Boy like I do, I knew exactly what He was thinking. To Jesus, with His heart being the very essence of Compassion and Forgiveness, it seemed that even though this situation was admittedly fair and just, it was nevertheless terribly cruel and unfair at the same time.
“I know, Son... I know,” I whispered, trying to sooth the pain He felt. “It's a terrible thing, but listening to the music of Barbra Streisand is, plainly and simply, something they brought upon themselves.”
“But, but, but... they actually think they like it? How? Why?!?!!!!”
At this point, He lost all composure. Jesus wept.
It sometimes makes no sense that a loving God would let something this tragic happen, but He'll just have to trust Me on this.
|Wednesday, February 11th, 2004|
You know, I complain about being Creator of the Universe a lot, but it's not really a bad way to make a living. The key is knowing which shortcuts to take. For instance, when I created this one, I used shoddy, inferior materials wherever I could. That's why you'll notice the cheap stuff is real plentiful and the expensive stuff is pretty hard to come by. Plus, I finished the job in 5 days, but creatively filled out the paperwork and charged them for 6. And that last one was at time-and-a-half. And then the real money starts pouring in when it's time to repair what was poorly built in the first place. The only thing I don't like about that is all the snickering I hear when I'm on a call, bent over, trying to fix something. Must be the toolbelt.
|Thursday, January 29th, 2004|
Mini-Me, errrr, I mean, Jesus, has been worked up into a complete frenzy over this Mel Gibson movie. The reason for this seems to be that someone (hint: he's got a Pope hat) told Him that The Passion is the fourth movie in the Mad Max trilogy. The Boy thinks He's Mad Max!
He's all like, "Dad, can't you see that My life can be a metaphor for Mad Max? I was sorta a Mad Max figure, wasn't I? Wouldn't You describe Me as Road-Warrior-esque???" I told Him that merely asking that question indicated to Me that We needed to have a serious talk.
And then He said, "But You at least admit that My time on earth can be characterized as being profoundly lacking in gasoline, right?"
What could I do but agree on that point? So now He's running around in a helmet and goggles, pretending He's some damn fool post-apocalyptic demolition derby fanatic with an bad Australian accent. He says He's practicing for the next movie (presumably the fifth of the trilogy). WTF???
|Thursday, January 15th, 2004|
I need some advice VERY QUICKLY. Which would be better? Asteroid
? No reason for asking, I'm just a little curious. Please answer ASAP!!!
|Monday, January 5th, 2004|
Yes, I got the letter. Whine much? "Starving on their feet?" WTF
does that mean?!? I can't tell if you want Me to send food or chaises lounge
. Go ahead and plan on meeting some pretty pissed off people once I make it known that it was YOU who talked Me out of the Reduced Beer Pricing Initiative I was considering. Wankers.
|Thursday, December 11th, 2003|
Cool! Someone who wishes to remain anonymous gave Me a 2 Months Paid Livejournal Account! I know who you are, and rest assured that when it comes time for you to shed your mortal coil, you have truly earned a place by My side in Heaven*!
*for approximately 60 days.
|Tuesday, November 25th, 2003|
|Saturday, November 15th, 2003|
6 days to create it.
1 day to rest from it.
An eternity to regret it.
|Thursday, November 13th, 2003|
OMMWTF?Hi, my username is god_dot_com, and it appears the journal has been suspended, but I have no idea why. There hasn't even been any activity on that account for several weeks. I'd like to know why it has been suspended, please. I am sure I have not violated any rules.
Dear LiveJournal User god_dot_com,
Your LiveJournal account was suspended as it was a celebrity impersonation without disclaimer. The LiveJournal Abuse Team has allowed these journals, which are inherrently a violation of the Terms of Service, to exist so long as they contain appropriate disclaimers on the userinfo page, and each entry in the journal. Your journal did not contain sufficient disclaimers, and was therefore suspended.
Any other LiveJournal accounts you own will not at this time have action taken against them. However, please be advised that evasion of this suspension will result in the termination of all LiveJournal accounts in your posession. Further, this suspension is non-negotiable, and the suspended journal will not be reinstated for any reason.
LiveJournal Abuse Team
Dear Livejournal Abuse Team,
Celebrity impersonation? Bollocks! As you can plainly see, I've miracled My journal back from suspension. Take that!
The REAL Slim Deity
P.S. Livejournal has a spellchecker feature which you might find useful!
|Thursday, November 6th, 2003|
It's about time for another Mass... ...Extinction.
|Sunday, November 2nd, 2003|
Q. If God is so powerful that He can do anything, can He create a Pope that He can't kill?
A. Yes, evidently.